On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
