my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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