I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
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