There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
