I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
