believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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