Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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