you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
