I skipped work to stalk him.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
