Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
