I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
