update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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