It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
