You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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