so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
