I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
