I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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