I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
