Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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