You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
