I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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