Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
