Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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