I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize