i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
