i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
