Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Someone came in the potted fern
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
