i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
