Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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