Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
