This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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