You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
