Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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