I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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