community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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