I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
