I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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