Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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