Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
