yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
