i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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