so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
