How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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