a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
