Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
