Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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