Define "chronic" masturbator.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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