You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
