The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
