My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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