Please don't use social media to get back at me.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
