apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize