i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
These tits shall not be calmed
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