Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize