apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
