God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
