I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
